On Depression and positivity
(The following was originaly used in the ttextbox of one my Instagram-posts and was basically just a stream-of-conscioness kinda thing while I was sick, not really mapped out or planned or anything which is why it's so chaotic) I'mma share some random thoughts on depression and (toxic) positivity
First of all, no ways around it: depression sucks, it's basically like arguing with yourself and losing
You should definitely seek help if you experience thoughts of self-harm or worse
But then, that's exactly the thing: the human mind isn't as simple as "yeah, well: don't be sad" or "yeah, well: just focus on the positive things" and I fucking hate shit like that
I hate people saying bullshit like: "Yeah, hm...depression...kinda a fashion thing these days" or, even worse "Yeah, I was depressed for two weeks but I put my chin up and powered through it"
No, dipshit: you were either really sad (which, don't get me wrong: sucks but doesn't COME CLOSE to depression) or (and that would be INFINITELY worse): you suppress and ignore your own feelings. And THAT WILL backfire. That WILL harm you and those around you.
Depression isn't something you get rid of.
Depression paralyzes.
Depression puts you inside loops for RIDICULOUS amounts of time.
Depression is something you either learn to deal with or it will kill you.
Something you grapple with.
Sometimes it's easier.
Sometimes it's harder.
Sometimes it switches just like that👌
And when it hits it's most important to know where or who to turn to
To have something that acts as a vent (one that does not harm anyone, yourself included!) or somebody you trust, who knows what you need.
And yes, don't get me wrong: something like sport CAN help but it is NOT a fucking wonderpill.
Stuff like: "Oh, you're depressed, just start working out" is about as helpful as saying: "Well, have you tried NOT being depressed?"
You wouldn't say that to someone with a broken arm.
You wouldn't say that to someone with cancer.
You wouldn't say that to someone with... I don't know... fucking COVID, for all I care.
Why say it to someone with depression?
I don't know where this shit came from right now.
Being sick makes me weirder than I already am plus the fact that my head has been in some dark spaces again lately so...yeah...don't know...
On mental health once more
I lost a lot of people and things that were important to me.
That's cause I went to therapy.
That went OK for some time but now I've once again hit a point where I don't really have the will to carry on and might end up harming myself, to put it mildly.
That's why my doc and I decided to
a) change my medication
b) see that I get into a place that will hopefully help me.
Dunno how this will develop.
Dunno what's gonna happen.
We'll see.
Version I or Version II ?
which of these two looks better?
I)
or
II)
'cause I really don't know...
If you could comment which one you prefer and perhaps explain WHY you prefer the version you prefer that would be much appreciated
On being sad and an asshole
But I need to get this out.
If you don't wanna read what basically comes down to me crying like a little b*tch then this is your call to get lost.
I don't care if anyone read this either way, I just need to get this out of my system and I can't really articulate it any other way or transform it into art.
So basically what this is about is a young woman I've known for many years now.
We got to know each other here, on DA
We started writing with one another and kinda got along fine
I knew from the start, that this is not anything like a relatonship or anything and the chance of it actually turning into one was basically nil but she was cool.
She trusted me, I trusted her and she kinda liked the stuff I wrote.
That was fine.
Over the years I kind of developed a need to "care" for her, meaning whatever I could do to make her happy I would do.
I really liked her.
The first blow came when she got her first boyfriend.
I knew this was gonna happen eventually.
She's an awesome woman after all and really pretty.
But hey: as long as she was happy and stayed in contact with me that was cool.
Then a whole lot of time passed.
Many things happened.
And we more or less lost touch.
I kinda was there until she and her first boyfriend broke up and it all fell apart.
A lot of time passed.
More stuff happened.
Bad stuff in her family.
Bad stuff in my family.
I was kind of hoping she would at least sort of confide in me.
As I said before: I was fully aware of the fact that we would probably never end up together but I'm not exactly good when it comes to controlling my feelings.
We recently chatted.
Briefly.
After I tried to get in touch with her for what seemed like ages.
And I know this was and is extremely egotistical of me.
I know I'm an asshole.
I always have been.
I always will be.
But I'm so damn sad and it hurts so much.
She has been so damn important to me in my life and I don't really know how to deal with all that.
I just want a small part of my life that was filled with joy back instead of sitting here and literally crying and writing about it.
Mental health
Almost everything I'm doind feels like it's suffocatiing me and I'm having thoughts of suicide on a daily basis
Which is why I'm going to see a doctor coming wednesday
I don't know where this will lead
I don't know what I will be doing next year, job-/education-wise
All I know is that, as it stands now if I don't talk to someone about it I won't be doing anything anymore before the year ends
If anyone reading this feels like he/she is at a dead end, do yourself a favor: seek help
I don't know if it will help in the end but hey: I can still jump from a rooftop if nothing changes
All I know for sure is that I don't like the way my life is going right now and that something needs to change.